Who you are does not determine the size of the step God asks you to take. However, who you are and how you think determines how much God has to wrestle you to get you to take that step. What might be an easy move for one might be something difficult for another. God might have to wrestle me more than you. The bottom line is that He wants all of us to take the step…
What step is it? The step of total surrender.
Our work in Shelbyville over the past 9 1/2+ years has been a mixture of scattered successes as well as a variety of failures. Of course, my evaluation is purely from an earthly mindset, because God is working and moving in the failures and is not all the time impressed with my successes. Regardless, it has been an adventure of walking in obedience and experiencing the presence of God in very real and tangible ways. And now, our work here as pastors of Gateway, sadly, is now done. I really don’t believe that God is done with this church or this city, it is just that Holly and I have to obey God rather than feelings, and it is time for us to step aside.
It is hard. It is a little frightening. Yet, we are sure.
Every moment in this city has not been easy. To say any different would be a lie, and I’m not going to start pulling any punches at this point in my life. This is not a negative, though, because every one of us experiences “life” and when you keep moving forward in spite of any adversity you become stronger and wiser. The questions that sometimes go unanswered do not diminish the calling or direction, rather, those questions serve to strengthen the faith and resolve that those walking in the will of God must obtain. As with any of us, the positives have vastly outnumbered the problems; and I know that God has worked and shown His glory is ways that I will never fully comprehend until I see Him face to face.
Holly and I have spent our lives together desperately seeking to draw closer to the heartbeat of God. We have tried to be obedient to any call, no matter how small or strange the request might have seemed. (As a side note, it sometimes seems to me that those small requests are the hardest to immediately follow because we always seem to imagine God speaking from the fire and hurricane rather than the still, small voice He all too often uses. Oh, to be quiet enough in His presence to hear Him whisper.) Our choice to leave this church has been a call to obedience that God has had to wrestle me over.
Here’s why:
I feel like I failed and have fallen short. There are so many ideas and goals that have seemingly gone unmet. I want to make an impact on the city I live in and inspire others to do the same… and I wonder the extent that has taken place. Holly tells me that not all think like me, but I really do wake up every day looking for a way to change my world. ”Have I made a difference???” THAT is the key question I want an affirmative answer to when I lay my head on the pillow at night.
Answer: I don’t see all that God sees. There are things in the Kingdom that are at work and I simply have to trust in God. Judging by the “fruit” of your labor is God’s business, not ours. He never promised me seen victories; just His unseen, and all-encompassing, presence.
My love for this city and people. This is what my kids have known. My youngest son took his first steps in the church I have pastored. I know that most won’t understand, or perhaps they will be disappointed. I can’t stand to see people hurt.
Answer: I have to value God’s opinion and approval over man’s. I can trust that my heart will be apparent when the truth of the call is heard, and know that God heals all wounds and wipes the tears from our eyes. I also know that I am not the answer, God is; and all will be well… … better than well.
The uncertainty of the future. On a very practical level I have to feed my family. I don’t know where all of the resources will come from, and that is scary. Am I really cut out to step into something great, or am I just grasping at who knows what
searching for that elusive brass ring? Is this mid-life crisis? Am I just tired?
Answer: God knows it all before it happens. Nothing has ever surprised Him or caught Him unaware (thanks Bill Isaacs for that statement!). I must trust that either He is God or He is not. He has good thoughts and plans for me or He doesn’t. I trust. I believe. I follow. Just shine on the next step, we’ll worry about ”around the corner” later.
I have met some incredible people. I have been involved in some awe-inspiring moments. I have a kindred spirit with those who seek after the heart of God in this town, and have been given grace by God to tolerate those who don’t. My extremely short time with the Shelbyville Police Department has been rewarding. I hope I helped in some small way. I ran a political campaign that I probably had no business being in, but had a blast speaking out for what mattered… and got to laugh at all the behind the scenes things that no one will ever know that I know. I learned that true humility is both walking with mercy while you are on the top as well as keeping your head up when you are on the bottom.
I have married and buried. I have rejoiced during deliverance and healing, and have lost sleep at the moments of life-change that some have turned their backs on. To those who have missed the mark… it’s not too late. God loves you more than anything you could ever do for Him or prove to Him, so just let Him love you and change you. To those of you who have experienced the grace and forgiveness of God through His Son, Jesus, walk… no, run in that! The Kingdom of God goes with you and will make the way straight for you. You can make it.
The plan?
We’re moving back to East Tennessee. We will be near family and will make sure our children are blessed and well. We are searching for those things that match up with the heartbeat within us… which is the heart-call that God placed there. Other than that, the plan is simply to walk as we always have… as a team. Holly and I will use this time to fall in love with our boys all over again every day of our lives, and will cherish each other while spurring the other on to unpack all God has for us. Hopefully, I will write and do some speaking. Holly needs to finish the stories and songs… and get them in the hands of those who need them. I’m gonna sit on the couch and hold my wife’s hand and laugh when my boys say something funny.
I’m gonna be me… and we’ll see what God wants to do with that.
Oh, and if I have to limp into the presence and will of God I will… because it’s normal to walk in the supernatural power of the Kingdom.
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May 24th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Hi Bobby — I was very moved reading your Normalcy post and want to share just a simple lesson I’ve learned through these last 2 years of intense and often unwanted change in my life. As christians we’ve been taught about being re-born in Christ through salvation but I have learned we may be re-born many times before our work in this world is done. Just because at one point in our life we feel a certain calling to a particular work for God’s Kingdom does not mean this is the road we must be on till we are called to heaven. I was devastated when I found myself going thru a divorce, not only for the abrupt ending of what I saw as my family, but also for the ministry that was taken from me, not by the church but just because of the ending of my marriage. I was hurt at God and could not understand how this could be happening for I truly believed I was called of God to be a Pastor’s wife and I loved everything about it, the good and the bad. But after many, many days with just me and God I finally realized he was ready to change my life and use me in a new way to minister if I could just learn to listen, relax in him, and not be in such a rush for instant revelations from him. I am in my re-birth now and I’m loving the new ways God uses me and blesses me! My job is amazing and a story for another day; I have peace like I haven’t felt in many years, my stress level is so low I’m almost embarrassed, and I have time to laugh and enjoy life like never before—sounds like the care free life of a child —hey re-birth, a great place to be!!!!!!!! My love to you, Holly, and the boys!!
May 25th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Okay, not a good post to read at work. From a selfish point of view, I really wish you guys weren’t leaving. We are going to miss you so much. But I understand that you have to do what is best for your family and what God is telling you to do. I don’t understand it and I don’t like it, but that doesn’t matter in the big picture.
I hope you and Holly (and even the boys) know how much you have done for, and meant to, me and Shiloh. I believe you have touched more lives than you give yourself credit for. Anyway, that’s all I can say right now… Love you guys.
May 25th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Bobby,
Grace to you and peace. There is a common bond of not only faith among pastors but the mantle we share. You have shared your thoughts well though they are difficult ones to share. I have no great wisdom to share but prayerful support. I am reminded as I read your words of the early days of Apostle Paul. God placed him in his home of Tarsus for some time before he was used for the greater works of his ministry. Also I Kings 17 – Elijah and a famine in the land – where in the world would provision come from? God sends provisions in unlikely ways, even ravens. And when the brook is dry, God had a widow in another town -another unlikely path. God, who is Jehovah Jireh, provides. What can I do for you Bobby? Jesus Really Cares, Greg
May 26th, 2010 at 8:48 am
all i can say is that i pray the humble prayer i have learned from my Spanish friends: Dios salturales. May God saturate, fill, invade, and consume your lives with His presence. may He pour out the vision for the next chapter in your lives along with the strength to be just as open and obedient as you have been. may He bring you increase even when you aren’t looking for anything but contentment with what you need. may He bless you all, in ways you never imagined possible.
thank you for being friends, family, counselors, and spiritual parents to me and my family. thank you for speaking truth in love at all times into my life, and the lives of everyone you have met and been responsible for.
i pray that the work that God began here through you will continue and that He will change the culture of Shelbyville, TN because of your obedience in the little things. i pray this body will follow your example and dig into God and doing His work here.
i know He will use you to change the world, and i look to hear the good reports soon!
please, let me know if there is anything i can do. Always love for you all, Bobby, Holly, Jonah, Jonathan, and Isaac,
mary
May 27th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Bobby & Holly – Follow your heart and know that we are praying for you. Grow in depth with your beautiful wife and children. Take this time, renew your spirit and watch what God has in store. As you wrote I thought of David pouring his heart out to God. Sit by the stream and seek God because He has given you this time.
Our thoughts and prayers,
Phyllis
June 4th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Bobby, you will never know the impact you have made on so many lives with the little things you did or said. I wish I could tell you how often I think of you and the lessons I learned from you and Holly, even when you didn’t know you were teaching me (or maybe you did…). I love you and am proud to have been mentored by you.
We are praying for your family in all you do.
January 26th, 2012 at 11:29 am
[...] I went home last night and picked up a book that had been sitting on my shelf for about a year and a half (almost 2 years). It is a book by a pastor named Johnny Enlow. Johnny and I, along with about 14 other men and women shared a week in Israel speaking with dignitaries, military personnel, members of government, businessmen, members of the media and archaeologists. It was within a month of returning that I resigned my previous church and moved simply because God said so. You can read more about that here. [...]